The Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Let Them Eat Cake
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After last week’s premiere, I felt like the ladies of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey were finally bringing their A-game to Bravo. Like, maybe a producer sat them down and had a Friday Night Lights pep talk with them before cameras started rolling? Because the ingredient-zes in this year’s Sunday gravy seem just right! Maybe it’s the addition of powerhouse-in-pigtails Margaret Josephs, or maybe it’s the shock of seeing Danielle Staub’s face back on our TV screens without waiting for someone to spontaneously punch it? I don’t know. But I’m here for it!
Last night, cake-gate escalated into a mid-dinner walk out after Siggy Flicker called Melissa Gorga and (by proxy) Teresa Giudice trash. Danielle had a sudden bout of PTSD when she heard the T-word, railing against Siggy with all of the season-one angst she could muster. Dolores Catania continued to look like she’d rather be elsewhere, which kind of makes me question what she’s bringing to the table this year – other than an empty house and a fake storyline of he ex-hubby moving back in? And Teresa went to the beach with Margaret, Melissa, and Danielle to honor her late mother, Antonia, with a heart wrenching (but very sweet) flower ceremony.
We pick up at the very moment we left off in last week, post-cake-throw by the shore in Boca. Siggy has just told Margaret to kindly go f–k herself, which Mags doesn’t immediately respond to. She’s gonna file that one away for later. Everyone else will have to do the same, because next Siggy tells them ALL to go f–k themselves! Teresa kinda/sorta feels bad for throwing the cake, but meh. Not bad enough to respond to Siggy’s tirade that they “all act like animals.”
The next morning, Teresa calls home to check in on her father and the girls while Melissa calls home to Joe Gorga. Mel tells Joe about Siggy getting mad about the cake and – speak of the devil – Siggy is also on the phone with her husband talking about how messy this group acted the night before. Joe can’t believe that Siggy called his wife an animal. Only he’s allowed to do that! Siggy can’t believe she paid hundreds of dollars for a cake with Envy wallpaper on it.
Back in Jersey, Frank and Frankie are attempting to do dishes in a barren kitchen and discuss Frankie’s future – not necessarily in that order. Why haven’t you sent your college applications in yet?! demands Frank. Frankie has no answers beyond half-smirking at his dad, who must have pulled some advice from one of Siggy’s self-help books because he just robotically orders that “failure’s not an option, bro.”
In Boca, Margaret jokes about breaking a cankle as she climbs into the van with Danielle, Teresa, and Melissa to go do yoga on the beach. Margaret was brought into this group by Siggy, but after her reaction the night before, Mags is rethinking her alliances friendships. Danielle thinks Siggy is a giant control freak, plain and simple, while the entire group wonders if Siggy – the Gemini – has an evil narcissistic twin named Soggy. Soggy Flucker? Floggy Sucker? Whatever it is – it ain’t good.
On the beach, Teresa leads the group in yoga practice, but it’s Danielle who woos the crowd and young children passing by with her extremely flexible hip joints. At a juice bar across town, Siggy complains to Dolores about the group “embarrassing her” in public. As if her Oprah-like screaming and shouting in the restaurant spoke of the reserved decorum Siggy so oft displays. Riiiiiiiight. In any case, Siggy plans to confront everyone later on her Lady of the Manor expectations.
As a surprise to Teresa, Margaret has a white floral wreath delivered to the beach along with note cards and single white roses. She suggests performing a ritual she once witnessed in Hawaii, which involves writing notes to loved ones who’ve passed on, then sen…
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