Tonight Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills season 6 premieres! Before we get into the new drama – let’s put on our Louboutins for a walk back in time through all the drama from season 5. Obviously Brandi Glanville in her Nine West pumps was trespassing! Good lord did I love last season. LOVED IT. And I just know this season will be just as good!
Season 5 added Lisa Rinna and Eileen Davidson to the group. The addition of two soap opera stars definitely amped up the drama. After much debate, Lisa Vanderpump returned but struggled with trusting former friends Brandi and Kyle Richards again. Lisa quickly realized out she shouldn’t come within 50 yards of Brandi, but Kyle would do as a ‘Hollywood Friend’. You know what they say: Keep your friends close, your frienemies closer, and your enemies in The Valley!
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During a brief relapse from Lyme, Yolanda Foster dragged herself away from the metallic detoxifying chamber to cavort with her Hollywood Friends, and travel to Spain with Kyle where she learned of Bella’s DUI. Oops.
(yes, I’d also hide my identity if I were these two!)
Interestingly Kim “My Sobriety” Richards became best friends like forever and ever and ever with Brandi.
haha – like sooooo sorry I ruined your life! Drink?
Brandi spent the season pretending to make amends, but actually making things worse. She started with Adrienne Maloof who finally got an admission and an apology from Brandi about how she like slipped and spilled her whole surrogacy secret. Like whoops! Adrienne also got to, once again, mediate between Kim and Kyle in their serially deranged dynamic.
Kim’s only decent moment that season seemed to be when her daughter Brooke Brinson got married in a lovely ceremony in Kathy Hilton’s backyard. It was Housewives-free, save for Kyle, and it marked the beginning of the end of Kim’s positive moments through the season.
Kyle and Brandi began as friends, each trying desperately to clammer back into Lisa’s good graces. My, my how things would go so horribly awry… I blame KimKillah – everything’s her fault.
Brandi moved, yet again, and per her usual, celebrated the new digs. She also celebrated with a viewing party of Eddie and LeAnn’s now-canceled reality show. Brandi threw a housewarming party for her rental, and with Kyle’s support, begged Lisa V to attend. Attend Lisa did, but she didn’t drink anything or eat anything for fear of getting roofied only stayed a bit. Later Lisa took Brandi to lunch and explained they’ll never be friends, but they can be cordial. Brandi didn’t know what that word meant and thought it meant corded to each other for lyfe and sharing Ken’s love (and money).
The main storyline was unequivocally Kim’s sobriety – as in is Kim or isn’t Kim My Sobriety? The answer, as uncovered by Lipsa on one limo ride from hell: absolutely not!
Poor Eileen’s introduction into the group revolved around revirginized vaginas followed by a baptism by pinot courtesy of Brandi! Brandi apparently thinks Eileen is some sort of high end Beverly Hills street performer willing to act out Days Of Our Lives scenes for literally a dime. Well, a $20, which has gotta be the Beverly Hills version of a dime.
Eileen graciously accepted Brandi’s apology – which included a regifted a Claire’s Boutique necklace. Awwww… you shouldn’t have Lia Sophia’d.
Brandi also tried to desperately make up with Lisa by extending the 100-year-old designer olive branch she regifted from one of Lisa’s trees at SUR. Lisa was duly unimpressed.
In order to let bygones be bygones Eileen hosted a poker night at her home, a home which Brandi described as serial killer chic. Le Trashique has never apparently seen an antique before…
Not to be outdone, Kim was “accidentally” regifted a pain pill and was off her rockers in the limo and at Eileen’s house. No one got much poker playing done – the pokes were all of the passive aggressive kind! A traumatized Kyle tried to figure out what was wrong with Kim and get her to sober up by eating some pizza, then go home. Unfortunately Brandi was more interested in fighting for control of Kim. Brandi, Kim, and Kyle practically brawled like feral cats in Eileen’s driveway. Poor Vince looked on from the control room. But there was no controlling that mess.
All of the sudden everyone started wondering: does Kim have a problem with MY SOBRIETY? She blamed Monty for giving her the pill. She blamed life for happening. She was all excuses and proclamations that her sobriety had been uncompromised for THREE YEARS so how dare anyone question the great KimKillah of Sobrietyland!
Brandi tried to clear up questions by having her BFF sober coach Jennifer talk about how Kim was so not fine. Then Brandi explained to Lipsa that Kim was like so not fine and like maybe might, perhaps possibly need an intervention for her so not fine sobriety. But you didn’t hear that from Brandi!
By the time Yolanda hosted a dinner party the ladies were also concerned about Brandi’s behavior – and her drinking – Lipsa and Eileen, the fresh meat of the Beverly Hills buffet, thought about confronting Brandi, but instead Brandi was too busy plopping drunkenly down on David’s lap, singing raunchy songs, and insulting the size of Babyface’s fiance’s diamond! Maybe Brandi just wasn’t seeing straight after all the vino?
Things went from bad to worse throughout the season.
In all of Brandi’s bad behavior of the season I sort of forgot to hate Kyle. She seemed almost invisible at some points. I was not disappointed.
Despite the animosity when Kyle threw a disgustingly stupid “Tops and Bottoms” mixer for her gay friends, Kim brought Brandi as her secret date – even though Kyle had SO NOT INVITED HER. Brandi resorted to screaming at Kyle about how she treats Kim and the two of them got into a shrieking match. Did Kim defend Kyle? Not a chance! She backed her bitch Boozdi.
Eileen, yet again, volunteered her house so the ladies could help with a read-thru of Vince’s script, aka Kimtervention. The Emmy Award for worst performance of a sober person went to Kim Richards who had fun with puppets, but not fun with pseudo interventions as she insisted, “EVERYTHING FIIIIIIIIIINE!” or will be right after I take this drink!
Yolanda decided to reunify the group with a trip to her homeland. Little did she imagine how terribly TERRIBLY awry it would go!
On the private plane to Amsterdam, Kim almost threw down with Lipsa by warning her to back off Kim’s sobrety – or else. Kyle hid behind a Hermes throw … she knows how Kim gets. At the airport Kim freaked out on Kyle for not defending her to Lipsa. Then KimKillah almost knocked an entire cast of Housewives down the Dutch Elevator!
One might think Amsterdam was all about touring windmills, meeting Yolanda’s friends and family, visiting the red light district, smoking pot and other touristy things. Or possibly it was about getting into epic, monster, wine-flinging, husband-bashing fight in a classy dutch restaurant.
When Kim decided that, yet again, everyone was questioning her sobriety (they weren’t) she flipped out over dinner and her target was first that “beast” Eileen – who was not having Kim’s insults – and then Lipsa. Kim insinuated that she knew things – BAD THINGS – about Lisa’s husband Harry. Very. Very. VERY bad things that shall not be named. An infuriated Lipsa snapped and a wine glass came flying, shattering everywhere. The group was split – Kim, Brandi, and Yolanda on Team Sober Lemons and the rest of the group on Team WTF.
Kim, once again, blamed Kyle for not defending her but Kyle rightfully asked how is it possible to defend such behavior!? The Twisted Sisters Richards were split once more.
Kyle just wanted Kim to recognize that Brandi had been throwing her under the bus ALL SEASON LONG, not Lipsa, not Kyle – but Brandi. Kim is sober as a judge however, and knows Brandi is a true and legit friend. Meanwhile, Brandi continued to shit-talk Kyle to Kim, and Kim was lapping it up like vodka.
Eileen, ever the unflappable peacemaker, encouraged Lipsa to be honest with Kim and discuss their fight, but Kim preferred to pretend EVERYTHINGS FINNNNNNNE. Nothing was fine.
The next night a select few sober ladies paid a visit to one of Amsterdam’s pot cafes for a little space cake. Kyle and Brandi got into it over Kyle’s refusal to sample the goods, because she’s a mother. In the streets – naturally because these two always brawl in the streets – they argued over who is always trying to make whom look bad. Ladies – you bring it on yourselves!
As if things COULD NOT POSSIBLY GET WORSE the last supper on a boat erupted into argument after argument over bad behavior Boozdi, followed by a game of compliments in which Brandi only dished out superficial statements about the ladies appearance and then cried and ran out when it was her turn. When all was said and done she decided to “playfully” slap Lisa V in the face. BUT IT WAS A JOKE!!!!!! A JOKE!!! And Lisa has no sense of humor.
Since Brandi had well worn out her Amsterdam welcome, she ditched the ladies to go on a drunk date with a much-younger man and ended up getting sloshed and slutty.
Yolanda tried to have sit-down with Brandi about her behavior isolating the women, but Brandi warned Yo – look how I did Lisa dirty when she tried to mother-smother me, so worry about your Lymes while I worry about my Vodka Soda with lime.
During shopping the following day Yolanda tried to encourage Lisa to give Brandi another chance, and Lisa was all no way in hell bitch. I’ve been burned and burned again, that’s on you.
Back in the states there was still trouble with Kim, she and Kyle tried to move past their childhood issues. Kim was still accusing Kyle of “stealing her house,” a house that once belonged to their mother and was split between the three sisters when she passed away. Kyle bought out Kim and Kathy’s shares, but Kim had no recollection of this and continued to believe Kyle had stolen it out from under her.
Kyle had long since sold the house, and after an eruptive argument about what Kim doesn’t remember, which clearly isn’t her fault the sisters promised to love each other and begin anew.
The season finale was all about Kyle trying to make Kim understand that it was Brandi, all season, all along, putting it in everyone’s head that she wasn’t really sober. But Kim refuses to hear it. And Brandi well, she was so xanxed even her nipples were too relaxed to stay in her dress, so she was in no mood for fighting. The reason being her father was was in the hospital. Brandi channeled all of her frustration onto Lisa for “not reaching out” while her father was ill. Cause yeah, that makes sense!
When Kim does finally confront Brandi just wants to reaffirm that Kyle’s a filthy liar who stole her house, her sobriety, oh yeah and her dog! And now she’s trying to steal her BFF. Well at least Adrienne Maloof did magic – as if anyone noticed.
The reunion was treacherous. We learned Lipsa sent threaxts (threatening texts) to Kim, because Kim was making threats about Harry. Threats which KimKillah admitted she made up – she doesn’t know any dirty secrets bout Harry Hamlin. I think we call that one a draw!
Brandi owned nothing – not even that her dress looked the spanx one wears under their dress – and she blamed Lipsa, and Lisa, and Eileen and Kyle for everything. And then Kyle and Kim combusted yet again. This time over Kingsley. According to Kim it’s Kyle’s fault her dog, who is really her child, was taken from her. Yeah, it’s also Kyle’s fault Kingsley bit Kyle’s daughter.
The sisters didn’t speak for months after the reunion, during which Kim was arrested twice, spiraled into alcohol use, was in and out of rehab, behaved atrociously at her daughter’s wedding, was fired, and finally got ‘sober’ in rehab. Did she stop blaming everyone else? Nope!
Are we ready for the return of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills tonight? I sure am!
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[Photo Credits: Bravo]
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